Which relationship has taught you the most about yourself?
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If I’m being truthful, the relationship that has taught me the most about myself is my marriage.
That probably sounds like the predictable answer. After all, you spend enough years living with another person and eventually you learn all sorts of useful things about yourself: how patient you are, how patient you aren’t, how stubborn you can be, and exactly how many times you can walk past something before your spouse finally asks, “Are you ever going to pick that up?”
Marriage has a way of removing the flattering lighting.
Most of us carry around a version of ourselves that we like reasonably well. We know our intentions. We remember the times we were generous, patient and understanding. We can usually explain why that thing we said wasn’t really as bad as it sounded.
Then another person gets a front-row seat.
They see you when you’re exhausted, irritated, worried, distracted or convinced that you’re absolutely right about something that, as it turns out, you are not absolutely right about. They see the habits you barely notice and the weaknesses you would rather classify as “personality quirks.”
That can be uncomfortable, but it can also be invaluable.
Marriage has taught me that I tend to avoid conflict because I want peace. Unfortunately, avoiding conflict and creating peace are not always the same thing. Sometimes peace requires an uncomfortable conversation. Sometimes love means listening instead of explaining. Sometimes it means admitting that another person experienced something very differently than you did, even when your intentions were good.
I’ve also learned how deeply I value loyalty, family, forgiveness and reconciliation. Those things sound wonderful when written as abstract principles. They become much harder when two good values collide and there isn’t an obvious solution that makes everyone happy.
That may be one of the biggest things relationships teach us. We discover what we truly believe when believing it costs us something.
Marriage has also shown me some things I like about myself. I know that I want to remain committed when life becomes complicated. I want to forgive. I want to keep trying to understand people instead of simply writing them off. I don’t always accomplish those things particularly well, but knowing the person I want to become matters.
Of course, marriage isn’t the only relationship that has taught me something. Being a father changed me. Becoming a grandfather changed me again. My relationships with my parents, siblings, friends, students and people I have lost have all revealed different pieces of who I am.
But marriage has probably held up the clearest mirror.
And mirrors aren’t always flattering.
Sometimes they show gray hair, wrinkles and a guy who really should have picked that thing up three days ago.
But if we’re willing to look closely enough, they can also show us where we’ve grown—and where there’s still work to do.
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Copyright © 2026 Doug DeBolt.
