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This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
John 14:3
Reflect
Imagine finding this advertisement in the classified section of your local newspaper:
For sale: one 52-year-old husband. Never remembers anniversaries, birthdays or special days. Seldom holds hands, hugs, kisses or says, “I love you.” Rarely is kind or tender. Will sell cheap. Two cents. Call 555-0366. Will dicker.
My stepdad used to talk about something he called “change in the pocket.” He believed that every relationship, especially a marriage, had a certain amount of change in its pocket. Every time we did something thoughtful, kind or loving, we put a little change in. Every time we were selfish, inconsiderate or hurtful, we took some out.
His advice was simple: Make sure there’s always change in the pocket. Because when the pocket is empty, the relationship is in trouble.
Years later, I came across research by psychologist Dr. John Gottman that sounded remarkably similar. In his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, Gottman described how successful marriages generally maintain a ratio of at least five positive interactions for every negative interaction during conflict. Couples whose interactions consistently fell below that balance were more likely to experience serious marital difficulties.
In my stepdad’s economy, I suppose that would mean every negative interaction costs five coins, while a positive one adds only one. That’s not exactly how Gottman calculated it, but it illustrates how quickly the balance can change.
Anyone who has been married for very long knows there are seasons when the pocket seems full. Affection comes easily, laughter is frequent, and even disagreements don’t seem particularly threatening. But there are other seasons when the withdrawals come faster than the deposits. Little irritations become bigger ones, patience wears thin, and the relationship begins to feel strained.
Of course, relationships aren’t quite as simple as counting coins.
Sometimes one spouse has a tremendous need, and the other must give far more than he or she receives. Illness, grief, unemployment and other hardships can place enormous demands on a marriage. Those aren’t necessarily signs of a failing relationship. Sometimes they’re opportunities to demonstrate just how deep our love really is.
My father-in-law, Larry, spent years caring for my mother-in-law, Ann, as dementia gradually robbed her of the ability to participate in their marriage as she once had. He continued loving her, caring for her and meeting her needs even when she could no longer give back in the ways she once had.
That’s not an empty pocket. That’s sacrificial love.
And that’s precisely the kind of love Paul describes in Ephesians 5. He tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. Jesus didn’t sacrifice Himself because He expected an equal return. He gave Himself because He loved us.
There’s a lesson here for every relationship, not just marriage. Love requires attention, patience, forgiveness and a willingness to put someone else’s needs ahead of our own. Sometimes that means remembering a birthday, offering an unexpected compliment or simply listening when we’d rather be doing something else. Sometimes it means giving far more than we ever imagined we would have to give.
We can’t control how much love someone else puts into a relationship. We can only take responsibility for what we contribute. And while we should never confuse sacrificial love with tolerating cruelty or mistreatment, we shouldn’t measure the value of our love solely by what we receive in return, either.
My stepdad was right. Every relationship needs change in its pocket. And perhaps the best way to keep it there is to remember that love isn’t ultimately about counting what we’re owed.
It’s about following the example of the One who gave everything for us.
Reflection copyright © 2026 Doug DeBolt and Charles Fulton.
