My mother was always concerned that I used my mouth far more than my ears.
Honestly, my mouth got me into a lot of trouble over the years. When I was younger, I knew I was smart. Or at least I thought I was. I was usually one of the smarter kids in the room, and far too often I said something that made sure everyone else knew I thought so, too.
Sometimes it was unintentional.
Sometimes I knew exactly what I was doing.
And sometimes it ended with me getting pushed around, picked on or bullied. Looking back, I can see that I did myself no favors. Intelligence is a gift, but arrogance is a great way to turn a gift into a weapon. And sometimes I aimed it badly.
It took me a lot of years to understand that. But one of the things that helped came through a piece of advice my mother gave me.
Mom gave me plenty of good advice over the years. Some of the best things she taught me are things I hope I won’t need to use for a long time. She taught me, by example, something about how to face death with faith, grace and honor.
But this advice was different. This was advice for everyday life.
One day, she sat me down and told me how to handle myself in a conversation.
She told me to listen to what was being said. Not to listen while waiting for my turn to talk. Not to listen just long enough to grab the wheel and steer the conversation where I wanted it to go. Really listen.
Then, she said, if I had something that truly fit what was being discussed, I could say it. But only when there was a clear opening.
And if the conversation shifted before I got that opening, I was supposed to let it shift. I wasn’t supposed to drag everyone backward just because I still wanted to say the thing I had been waiting to say.
Instead, I was supposed to start the process over again.
Listen.
Think.
Wait.
Speak only if there was something worth adding.
Then listen again.
She told me that if I learned to do that, I would talk less, hear more and make fewer conversations about myself.
That was something I needed to hear.
Mom used to say that everyone’s favorite sound is their own voice, everyone’s favorite word is their own name, and everyone’s favorite topic is themselves. So anything we do that makes another person feel heard, valued and important is usually a step in the right direction.
I wish I could say I mastered that advice.
I haven’t.
There are still times when I talk too much. There are still times when I want to jump in before the other person is finished. There are still times when I want to pull the conversation back to my point, my story, my clever line or my opinion.
But I think I’m better than I used to be.
And whenever I actually follow my mother’s advice, I usually know it.
Because the conversation feels less like a performance and more like an act of kindness.
Maybe that was the real lesson all along.
Listening is not just the absence of talking.
Sometimes, listening is love.
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Copyright © 2026 Doug DeBolt.
