Congratulations, Apple. Your New Phone Is Slightly Thinner.

Stop the presses. Apple is coming out with a phone that’s 5.5 millimeters thick.

You heard me. Not 6. Not 5.75. Five-point-five.

It’s called the iPhone 17 Air, and apparently it’s so thin it could double as a communion wafer. The battery is smaller, too—which seems like a bold move considering that people already panic if their phone dips below 40%. Apple’s solution? Maybe ofer a battery case. You know, to make your skinny phone fat again.

Meanwhile, I’m just over here minding my business with my Samsung Galaxy, sipping my coffee and enjoying a full day’s battery life like a sane person.

I’ve never owned an iPhone. I started with a Motorola that felt like a garage-door opener and might’ve been stronger. I had a Nokia that could survive a nuclear blast, and at one point, a Blackberry that I still believe was designed by people who hate joy. But for years now, I’ve been a loyal Samsung guy. It does what I need, takes great pictures, and doesn’t require me to learn a whole new operating system every time Tim Cook blinks.

People keep telling me I should switch. But here’s the deal: I’m too far in. My apps, my photos, my contacts, my subscriptions—it’s like trying to leave a gym you forgot you joined but are still somehow paying for. Apple wants me to trade all that for a phone that’s basically a Triscuit?

So no, I’m not interested in your slightly thinner rectangle. What I am interested in is how these little devices have become central to our lives. I use mine to write, to connect, to capture moments. I’ve used it to call family, take photos of my grandson, text students or colleagues, even map out a road trip. My phone isn’t just a gadget—it’s a digital Swiss Army knife, and Samsung has never let me down.

Maybe the most uninteresting part of the news today isn’t the phone—it’s the hype. A phone can be a remarkable tool, but thinner doesn’t make it better. For me, the best phone is the one that fits my life, not just my pocket.

No thanks, Apple. When your phone can take a beating, get me there on time, and charge up while I brush my teeth—then we’ll talk.

About Douglas Blaine

Capnpen is a writer who was a newspaper and magazine journalist in a previous life. A college journalism major, he now works as an English teacher, but gets his writing fix by blogging about a variety of topics, including politics, religion, movies and television. When he's not working or blogging, Capnpen spends time with his family, plays a little golf (badly) and loves to learn about virtually anything.

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