This is the 10th of 25 special reflections based on lessons I learned from my mother. These will run from my birthday on October 27 until her birthday on November 20.
Read
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32
Reflect
Divorce is never easy. That’s a lesson I’ve learned the hard way and one that I’m sure my mother hoped I’d never experience personally. Mom knew about that firsthand. She and my Dad had struggled throughout their marriage, and in 1973 they finally decided to go their separate ways.
I think it was more my Mom’s decision than my Dad’s, but it was still something that I remember being difficult for her. Before we pulled out of town, Mom had loaded up a U-Haul and a station wagon, and I still vividly remember her and Dad hugging and crying. Even though they didn’t want to continue in the marriage, they had been married for 13 years and had shared a lot of good memories. Like I said, divorce is never easy.
We lived in a few different places during the years after the divorce. At first, we were in Texas, and then Pennsylvania. In 1976, we moved to Sarasota, Fla. – right across the state from where my Dad lived in Fort Pierce. That meant that we got to see Dad and our stepmother a lot more often.
I remember two things in particular about how Mom handled things during that period. First, Mom and my stepmother, Carol, got along really well. Given the tension that sometimes exists between wives and ex-wives, it was actually a bit unusual. Carol would often drive across the state to pick up my brother and me to take us back to Fort Pierce, and she and Mom would have very friendly talks during these times. Apparently, they also called back and forth to each other to catch up and to coordinate our holidays and vacations.
That leads to the other thing I remember. More accurately, it’s what I don’t remember. I cannot recall one time when Mom had a single bad word to say about Dad or Carol. When I was a young adult, I even asked her a very pointed question about my father, and she refused to answer because I think it would have required her to say something negative. Mom tried so hard to believe the best in everyone – including her ex-husband, the father of her two sons. And she wanted us to believe the best in him, too.
Forgiveness is a godly quality. In fact, it’s hard to think of a quality more reflective of the Lord than forgiveness. Each of us has sinned against a holy God, and even a single sin separates us from Him. Yet God, in His mercy, offers forgiveness through Jesus Christ. And because we’ve received that forgiveness, He calls us to extend it to others. Paul wrote that we should, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
Mom understood that she couldn’t change what had happened in her marriage, but she could choose how she treated the people involved. So she made sure to show our Dad love and kindness, even though I’m sure she still felt some pain from whatever went wrong during their marriage. (And those were details she never shared with us.) She chose kindness instead of bitterness, and forgiveness instead of resentment. If you have hurt in your heart from past relationships, remember that forgiveness doesn’t necessarily erase the pain or restore the relationship. But it is the command of our Lord, and it allows us to extend to others the same grace He has extended to us.
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Reflection copyright © 2025 Doug DeBolt.
