Some kids grow up wanting to be astronauts. Others want to be doctors. I just wanted to be the guy who made dessert without poisoning his family. Spoiler alert: still working on it.
The Buttermilk Pudding Incident
At 10 years old, my signature dish was chocolate pudding. I could rip open that Jell-O box like a pro. One day, I see buttermilk in the fridge. And in my ten-year-old logic, I thought:
“Butter? Good. Milk? Good. Butter plus milk? This is gonna blow minds.”
So I make two puddings. One with boring milk for me. And one with “chef’s kiss” buttermilk for my family.
We sit down. They take a bite. Instantly, faces twist like they’d licked a battery. My mom whispers, “Doug, do you think the milk might be spoiled?”
I proudly announce, “Nope! I used the buttermilk!”
That’s when I learned not all milk is created equal… and that my family would never trust me near dessert again.
The Mayonnaise Pizza Debacle
Flash forward to ninth grade. I’m doctoring frozen pizzas like I’m auditioning for Food Network. Got my pizza stone, extra cheese, extra meat—I’m basically Wolfgang Puck… if Wolfgang Puck had braces.
I’m at a church lock-in, trying to impress the kids. I bring two pizzas. One normal, one “Doug Special.” And my genius idea? “Pizza’s basically a cheeseburger, right? And what goes on a cheeseburger? Mayonnaise.”
Yeah. Mayo. On pizza.
First bite: silence. Second bite: glares. Someone yells, “DID YOU JUST PUT MAYONNAISE ON THIS?” That pizza hit the trash faster than a youth pastor shutting down a game of Spin the Bottle. And I made zero new friends.
So here’s the lesson: if you ever find yourself asking, “Would this be better with buttermilk or mayonnaise?” The answer is no. Always no. Unless… you’re trying to get out of cooking for the rest of your life. In which case, trust me—one bowl of buttermilk pudding will set you free.
Copyright © 2025 Doug DeBolt.
