I’ll start by saying that any such list is clearly subjective. Honestly, a list like this could be the worst 100 Christmas songs of all time, but I had to boil it down to the ones that truly grate my teeth and make the holiday so much worse. I’m sure that many of you will agree with some on this list and vehemently disagree with others. I just ask that you consider my reasons before you launch out with any hate mail – remember, it is Christmastime, so try to be a little charitable.
Before I get to the list, I’ll tell you what’s not on the list. I didn’t include the song that frequents the top of many “worst” lists – NewSong’s “Christmas Shoes.” I have a soft place in my heart for that song, perhaps because I ended up singing it in church one year for a Christmas celebration. There are also sentimental favorites like Gayla Peevey’s “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” and “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” – not even the Nat King Cole version, which trades uptempo jazz for the childlike charm of the original. And even though its modern cringe factor merits plenty of hate, the Jackson 5’s turn of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” just misses out. I’m sure there are lots of songs that could be here, but here are the 11 that made my list.
Yes, I know that this song’s inclusion on the list will cause some of you to question everything else I’m going to say. But consider this: “Last Christmas” has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas except that this guy got his heart broken on that day a year ago. It could just as easily be “Last Halloween,” “Last Easter,” “Last Fourth of July” or “Last St. Switin’s Under the Bush Day.” What, exactly, is Christmassy about a dude saying, essentially, “Last year, on Christmas, I was in love with you, and you stomped on my heart, you cold heartless, witch. But just to show you I’m over you, this year I’m going to fall in love with someone special – because clearly, you weren’t special. And I’m really over you, in spite of the fact I’m singing this song about you a year later.” OK, so you like the tune. That’s fine. Just don’t call it a good Christmas song.
10. “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney
The songwriting duo of Lennon & McCartney was one of the best things in the history of music. John Lennon wrote the genius lyrics and Paul McCartney added the tunes that made the songs truly memorable. Sadly, when they broke up, neither one was as great independently as they were together. John Lennon’s “Happy Xmas, War is Over” misses this list because its lyrics are at least somewhat palatable. But McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” is anything but wonderful. The song is mind-numbingly inane, particularly when the “choir of children sing their song” that they’ve practiced all year long. And the word they’ve been practicing for a year? “Ding dong ding dong ding dong.” I can’t change the channel fast enough when this comes on.
9. “Baby It’s Cold Outside” by… pick any duo
For my Spotify list, I picked the version of this song by Dean Martin, but honestly, it could have been any of the thousands of variants of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.” Those of you who are familiar with the song might remember that it was featured in the film, “Neptune’s Daughter,” and it even won an Academy Award for Best Original Song. It its original context, the song worked. A woman was in a guy’s apartment and she needed to leave, but he was trying to convince her to stay a little longer. Then the tables flip and we see another couple in the same situation, but this time the guy is trying to leave and the girl is trying to keep him in her place. It does have a creep factor, especially when we hear them question, “Say, what’s in this drink?” But it’s nowhere near as disturbing as when we hear women ask Dean Martin, Michael Buble or Seth McFarland that question, and we wonder if they’ve been hanging out with Bill Cosby. Please, Santa, no roofies for Christmas.
Just as with the previous song, “Santa Baby” has been covered endless times, and I really wonder why. The song is all about boundless greed, except it’s not a semi-charming child talking about all the things they want. It’s a charmless woman trying to be sexy when telling Santa all of the things she wants under her Christmas tree – including a sable fur coat, a 1954 convertible car, a yacht, a platinum mine deed, a duplex, Tiffany decorations, and a diamond ring. At least she was keeping it simple. Eartha Kitt’s version was the original and if you want to be really turned off, check out any scene from the Eddie Murphy comedy “Boomerang” with her in it and then listen to this song. A close second is the cover by the Pussycat Dolls. Truly un-merry.
7. “Dominick the Donkey” by Lou Monte
People have for years tried to invent Christmas traditions, not in the hopes of adding to Christmas cheer but, rather, in the hopes of adding Christmas cash to their pockets. Enter “Dominick the Donkey,” who isn’t just any cute donkey, but an Italian donkey, because we really needed a new Italian-specific Christmas tradition. And this isn’t the Christmas donkey that carried Mary to the stable in Bethlehem. No, it’s the donkey that helps Santa deliver Christmas presents to children to Italian children. Apparently, reindeer can fly to mountaintops around the world, but they can’t handle the hills of Italy. Got that, my Paesans?
6. “Back Door Santa” by Bon Jovi
Honestly, I have a problem with any song called “Back Door Santa.” The reasons shouldn’t need any explanation. But the original by Clarence Carter (and the subsequent cover by B.B. King) was at least cool and bluesy. Even the cool versions deserve to be on the list with these cheery lyrics: “They call me Back Door Santa/ I make my runs about the break of day/ They call me Back Door Santa/ I make my runs about the break of day.” Bon Jovi strips away any of the bluesy goodness and replaces that with hair band rock, so all you’re left with is a lyrical mess about a ne’er do well who sneaks around and cheats with women while their husbands are out of the house. What could be more festive?
5. “Funky, Funky Xmas” by New Kids on the Block
Practically every artist has recorded a Christmas album at one time or another, especially when visions of sugar plums and dollar signs are dancing in their eyes. I can only imagine the smiling faces of the band’s “Blockheads” anxiously awaiting NKOTB’s Christmas collection, only to be greeted with this gem that was mixed in with classics like “White Christmas,” “The Little Drummer Boy” and “The Christmas Song.” Just in case you weren’t aware of what they wanted to celebrate, they repeated the phrase “funky Christmas” no fewer than 20 times.
4. “Christmas Conga” by Cyndi Lauper
Lest you think that any celebrating the season with a conga would be performed by Gloria Estefan, no, we’ll leave that to the Hispanic wonder … Cyndi Lauper. (Who, by the way, is a cross of Swiss-German and Italian heritage.) She starts well enough, singing, “Bring out the old cheer/ Ring in the new year/ And get that Christmas feeling.” But she follows it with, “Come on and hold my hips a little longer/ As we do the Christmas Conga/ Bonga, bonga, bonga/ Do the Christmas Conga.” I don’t know how many things are wrong with that, but let’s start with the dance itself. Is the Conga line a Christmas tradition anywhere, let alone in the Lauper household? And is there such a thing as the Christmas Conga anywhere except in this song? There are enough worthwhile Christmas traditions out there without trying to resurrect an unwanted dance and connect it to the birth of Christ.
3. “Christmas Tree” by Lady Gaga
Before you go and say, “I love that song,” this isn’t “O Christmas Tree,” also known as “O Tannenbaum.” That song is beautiful regardless of who’s performing it. (I personally prefer an instrumental version by my favorite guitarist, Steve Lukather.) No, this song is a 2008 standalone single by Gaga that samples “Deck the Halls” and “Little Drummer Boy” – and that is rife with sexual innuendos. Of course, if that’s your thing, then a synthpop beat accompanied by lines like “Light me up/ put me on top,” “Yes, everybody knows/ We will take off our clothes” and “My Christmas tree is delicious” will make your season merry and bright. Most of us, I suspect, will likely hear this and respond with a loud, collective, “Ew!”
2. “Don’t Shoot Me Santa” by The Killers
OK, so enough with things being merry and/or bright. What about a song about cold-blooded murder and a vengeful Santa coming to set things right? That’s also, part of the Christmas story isn’t it? It is if you’re The Killers. “Don’t Shoot Me Santa” is a two-way dialogue between a guy who admits he’s had enough of turning the other cheek and has now turned his gun on people who made fun of him. Now Jolly Old Saint Nick has come calling, complete with a loaded gun and is ready to take the naughty boy out, but the boy is begging for Santa to give him another chance. Because a song like this is exactly what we needed in the Yuletide season. Santa the Bounty Hunter.
1. Santa Claus (Has Got the AIDS This Year) by Tiny Tim
This one is so bad that I can’t believe I didn’t learn about it until recently. Until now, the only song I knew by Tiny Tim was his classic “Tiptoe Through the Tulips.” (And yes, I’m using “classic” with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek.) This song is so bad that the first minute of the track is Tiny Tim telling the story about how he came up with a song this terrible. His explanation doesn’t make the song any better. Thankfully, the song portion of the track is only about a minute this long, yet it still contains this lyrical brilliance: “Each season, he is full of pep and vim/ But now the AIDS have got the best of him/ The nurses all look sad/ ‘Cause Santa’s got it bad/ Santa Claus has got the AIDS this year.” There’s nothing like combining the wonders of the Christmas season with the joys of a deadly sexually transmitted disease.
Honorable Mention: “Oh Holy Night(mare) by Steve Mauldin
I add this one into the mix just for fun. This version of “Oh Holy Night” became a viral sensation about 20 years ago when it was discovered in an overlooked cache of disgarded tracks at a recording studio. Mauldin, whose church choir was recording a Christmas album, had recorded it as a joke during a break. Folks, figuring this track had been made by some poor slob who didn’t realize how bad he was, emailed it to everyone they knew, and before long it was even playing on radio stations. If you haven’t yet heard it, prepare yourself – it’s ear-bleedingly bad, and it gets worse with each measure until almost the end.
For your listening convenience, I’ve loaded all 12 of these gems into a Spotify playlist, just in case you want to throw caution to the wind and risk allowing any one of them to find a home in your brain this Christmas. If you’d rather listen to something more enjoyable, I’m also linking my “Almost Yacht Rock Christmas” playlist.
Copyright © 2024 Doug DeBolt
