Reflect

One of the unfortunate memories I have as a child was my mother and father arguing in the kitchen. I only remember them yelling the one time, but apparently it was something that happened on a regular basis. It got bad enough that the discord between the two of them was one of the reasons they got divorced.

After Mom married my stepfather, the two of them turned over a new leaf. I know they had disagreements. There was one in particular that I recall when one of them lost their temper to the extent that I was close to leaving the house. (I won’t say which one it was to be fair, because I’m also not going to rehash what led to the hotheaded moment.) They ended up taking that problem behind closed doors, and when it was all over they both emerged and the angry partner made amends.

We never saw or even really heard them arguing about anything. Unfortunately, I took that to mean in my first marriage that I really wasn’t supposed to ever have any disagreements. Sadly, that just led to us burying our differences and never resolving anything. In fact, a counselor once told me, “You say that you and your wife never argue. I hope you realize that’s not a good thing.”

Arguing might be the wrong word for it. It’s having serious differences in the way we see things, and that’s going to happen now and then if you’re in a relationship with someone. But the way we resolve those differences helps develop and shape our relationships. Having a disagreement isn’t a bad thing. Airing that disagreement in front of others is a problem, and it’s a serious problem if we do that in front of our children. They need to know that we don’t always agree, but they also need to know that we have a peaceful way of resolving our differences and that their parents are united in their decisions.

Whether you have children or not, the right way to settle your differences with someone else is privately, and that’s something Jesus pointed out in Matthew 18. Go and share your problem with the other person “between you and him alone,” Jesus said. You can involve someone else later if it’s not resolved that first time, but when we discuss our differences in love, most of our problems will usually find their resolution. When we share them openly with our children (or with other people who shouldn’t be involved), we only complicate and deepen the problems.

As you move forward in your faith, make sure to put this principle to work in your life — inside and outside of the home. And make sure to protect your children from the disagreements you have in your marriage. They have enough to handle without having to play referee between their parents.